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One Shot, Two Shots, Three Shots, MORE

There are no local support groups for my disease because it is rare. So, I found
solace in a group of others online.  We communicated through Facebook and
twitter: sharing information, commiserating with each other through hard days,
throwing each other pity parties, and trying to support each other the best we could.
After a series of particularly bad vertigo days, I had enough! Someone in the
support group mentioned that alcohol will take the vertigo away because it
suppresses the nervous system. He said, “Take a shot of whiskey and get some
relief.” So I did.  

Since I had never drank alcohol before, the one shot of 100 proof liquor knocked
out more than the vertigo.  It felt so good to get relief. Alcohol became my medicine.
Of course, tolerance being what it is, one shot was soon not enough.  Then two
shots weren’t enough. Then three shots… Along came something much bigger than
I was able to handle on my own. The euphoria of complete escape became
something I craved so deeply it almost destroyed my life.  

After about six months from the journal entry above, I was drinking about one
liter of 100 proof liquor a day.  Soon, it wasn’t enough to completely escape anymore.
I did lose a certain sense of reality, but I couldn’t completely disappear.  Then in
one of my falls, I had a major injury and was given pain pills. At first, I didn’t drink
when taking the pills. The pain pills took away both pain and vertigo.  But then
the craving for escape became so strong, I couldn’t deny it. My depression was so
great, and the yearning and pull of disappearance was so strong, I drank just a
couple of shots with the pain pill.  

Soon, I thought I was a Pfizer chemist or something. I reasoned I could take x
number of pain pills with x shots of liquor and still survive.   “Still survive.”
I didn’t even hear myself thinking this way. I was plainly gambling how close I
could get to death just to feel escape.

My prescription didn’t last forever, but I knew people on prescription pain pills.
I stole them.  If I went to someone’s house I looked in the medicine cabinet. If the
pills had an old date on them I reasoned they weren’t being used anymore.  
If I didn’t have the alcohol, I drank a whole bottle of NyQuil, Listerine or
vanilla extract.

Once, the self-proffered Pfizer chemist position failed me.  I ended up in the
hospital from an accidental overdose. I almost died.  I lived in denial about that
incident for years. But the truth is, I almost accidentally killed myself from taking
too many pain pills.  Later, I would try to kill myself on purpose with sleeping pills
and alcohol.

I robbed people of relief from their own pain and took away from my children the

mother they deserved.  I was lying, stealing, and destroying my body. I gained
170 pounds from abusing. I pickled my brain to the point my personality
changed and my depression worsened. I was unrecognizable except for this
really great mask I learned to expertly wear.    

It was easy to fool people because this behavior was so uncharacteristic of me.  
I drank secretly, and everyone just believed I was really sick from my illness.
I barely functioned. I never let on to the true disabling cause.  I don’t know what
addiction is like for anyone else, but I would have done anything to grasp the
escape lever. I was doing anything.

I disturbed the still waters and dove into the depths.  I’ve brought up into the
light what lurked beneath the surface.  I confessed, on paper, my
still-water-once-stagnant life. Confession is part of the recovery process
for addiction, and now it is so obvious to me why.  Praise God, I am in recovery and
the freedom this brings is amazing.

Christians dealing with alcoholism or addiction suffer silently because of the shame.
How can you confess this to someone? How do you bring it up in a small group
prayer time? You feel like a failure as a Christian and you feel your prayers for
deliverance get no further than the ceiling. But until the problem is brought into
the light. Until it is confessed, not only to God but to the people you have hurt
you will remain in your dark, silent struggle. God has the power to deliver you
but you have to surrender, confess and create the path for his Spirit to work in you.

I have heard stories of miraculous deliverance. But I feel most of the time it
will be a struggle. A battle. An all out war. But there is hope of victory if you
put on the whole armor of God and practice the disciplines of surrender and
confession. All one day at a time.

To The Depressed Christian

You are not alone.  The rate of depression among the Christian community is no different than the general populace.  This means there are many Christ followers who are suffering with depression.  I am one of those Christians.  There are many things I have learned in over 30 years of dealing with this mental illness.

1.  Your faith is not weak.  There is no relative or causal relationship between your quantity of faith and your quality of mental stability.  If anything, when you are still clinging to God, praying and/or believing your faith is probably stronger than you realize. 

2. God's presence in your life is not dependent on how you feel.  There are times when you feel your prayers are not being heard and God feels very distant.  You wonder where God is and why he is showing up in your life.  The truth is, God is right there with you.  He doesn't leave you or forsake you.  His presence in and around your life is not dependent on whether or not you feel it.  He is there.  He sees.  He has compassion on you.

3. Your pain is not wasted or unfruitful.  God has a miraculous way of redeeming the time.  You may or may not be aware of how he will use your suffering for good.  Your story may help someone else who is also depressed.  You may be giving others an opportunity to serve through compassionate care ministries.  Your walk with God may grow closer.  It's all unknown but we know according to Romans 8:28 God works ALL things together for the GOOD for those who love him. 

4. When you are at your lowest you may not find comfort in certain scriptures but you will find friends.  The Bible is full of stories of people who went through and wrestled with depression.  Job, Jonah, and Elijah to name a few.  You will find people who felt inadequate like Moses, David and Gideon. 

So to the depressed Christian I want to say your faith is not weak, you are not alone, your pain will be redeemed and others have gone before you who ended up serving mighty purposes for God.

I pray for you.  May God's face shine upon you and give you peace.

Suicide. Did you know?

Did you know:

 Adult men are more likely to commit suicide than adult women?

Adolescent girls are more likely to commit suicide than adolescent boys?

Removing lethal means from the environment of a person with suicidal ideation greatly increases their chance of living?

Talking to a suicidal person about suicide is helpful to them and makes them feel cared for?

Suicide survivors are statistically likely to try again?

Suicide kills more people in the United States than homicide and car accidents combined?

Only a fraction of suicide attempts are successful?

Firearms are the deadliest means of suicide?

It generally only takes 5 minutes to talk someone out of committing suicide?

You can receive free online training and certification in suicide prevention?

You can save a life?

Christians are not less likely to commit suicide than the general populace?

Source:  Suicide Prevention Resource Center 

Happenings

There are Happenings-a-plenty.
Here is a snippet of what has been going of late:

• Met with a Sr. Pastor of a mega church to talk about Kingdom Building through my story.  He had some amazing ideas on how to use my story for impact.
• I received another endorsement from a Connections Pastor.
• I received a recommendation from the Chief Of Staff at Point University.
• I have an appointment this week with a Care Pastor.  (super excited about this meeting!)
• I was invited to do a book signing at "The Book Loft" in German Village in August! (That's a big deal for an Indie Author!)
• Christian Bookaholic reviewed my book and posted her review not only on her website , but also a few other high traffic sites like Goodreads.
• I was contacted by a pastor in Toronto who is considering a book review.  Which means I made his initial cut.
• I have a speaking engagement on July 8th at Oscoda Church Of The Nazarene.  You can find that posted on Eventbrite .
• Broadway world picked up another story in their Book News section.
• My website is up and running smoothly.
• The Book Launch party is coming up in 5 days! It is posted on Eventbrite
• I finished two certifications on suicide prevention training.
• I have two other speaking engagements in the works.
• My mascot Taz-The-Spaz made his debut.

That's a lot of momentum for a little book. I'm so thrilled that God can use my story.  

I'm just a brick layer in the Kingdom.

Sacrifice Identity

Journal Entry - April 17, 2012

Quote “...simply because we choose to sacrifice our identity for those we love
also speaks volumes as a defining characteristic. I may be a singer who provides
by waitressing but of all the labels implied, ultimately the single driving force is
I am one who loves and provides. I put myself in sacrifice for those I love.  I am
willing to sacrifice joy for love… and in this state I can say I am selfless.”
(quote source not identified in journal)

“...I am willing to sacrifice joy for love… and in this state I can say I am selfless.”   
Which seems to me to be the ultimate goal. I long to become less so others and
Jesus can become more..

The Question is:  What’s True?

------Um, OMG, I’m not sure!  There are so many nuances to this disease I feel
I have lied to others.  It’s just too laborious to lay out all the facts. Plus, I don’t
get an invitation to be completely factual.

It’s easier for me to just say “I fell”  rather than relay the whole scenario leading
up to the bruises.  It’s so complex and convoluted in my own brain. I don’t
understand or, at times, even know the “me” that is living this illness.  Many times
I feel like I am a spectator in my own life, then I have to be reporter to explain all
the stuff I can’t explain to myself.

Humbled By This Inspirational Review

Received your book in the mail today, I liked it. It was well written, full of information and reminded me of some of my own emotions when I was battle-ing cancer. I would recommend your book to everyone. You don't have to have a chronic illness to receive good instructions from it. As a matter of fact I didn't want to stop reading and found myself annoyed when I would have too. I also finished reading it. I felt inspiration from it. Makes me want to get even closer to God. Thank you for writing it.

- Brenda Siegert