Stress Coping Strategies That Will Change Your Life

Coping strategies are ways to manage external or internal stress. When we experience stressors we change cognitive thought patterns and behavioral patterns in order to cope with the demands the stressor is placing on our bodies.  

These strategies can be healthy or unhealthy to our emotional, cognitive and physical well being.  They are almost always habitual, and we are usually unaware of many of our responses. A bad habit or an addiction are examples of unhealthy coping strategies. Even though they are unhealthy, they bring comfort and relieve the stressor.  This makes the unhealthy coping strategies extremely difficult to replace with healthy ones. Coping strategies are unique to the individual. However, there are six coping strategies that apply generally to everyone.

1. Your Environment.

Don’t pollute or allow others to pollute your environment.  This is difficult because it requires a lifestyle change. If you are an addict you must be brave enough to ask your friends and family not to use around you.  You must not frequent places where the substance is being used. Sometimes you may have to change the type of entertainment you listen to, watch or read. The old adage GIGO, garbage in, garbage out,  is a truth. In some cases, you may need to move to a new neighborhood or city depending on your current environment. This is your LIFE! This is serious and you are worth the best chance you can give yourself.

2. Triggers. Avoid your known triggers.  

I’m sure you know what they are.  If not give it some thought, and make a list.  If the trigger is a person, you may need to either avoid the person or avoid them in certain situations.

3. Respect.

Treat yourself like you would treat other people.  Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself. Don’t expect perfection from yourself.  Love yourself.

4. Distraction.

A two minute distraction is all it takes to stop the mind from brooding over a craving, stewing in anxiety, or mulling over depressing thoughts.  

5. Socialization.

Loneliness is a health risk that some say is as dangerous as smoking.  Create a regular social life with healthy, supportive people. Reach out.  Don’t isolate yourself.

6. Power of No.

Learn to say “no” to others.  You cannot be a people pleaser.  You simply do not have the strength to always say, “yes.”  Know your energy level, and say yes only if you really are able.  Do not say, “yes” to just make the other person happy or to have them think well of you.

Your Unique Coping Strategies

The purpose of this exercise is for you to create as many things in  lists as you are able. The list is of activities you can perform to de-stress.  They become your new positive coping strategies. You can pick and choose from these activities when facing stress.  

There is a rule that comes with behavioral coping strategies.  The rule is DO IT even if you don’t FEEL like it. Frankly, you are not going to feel like doing these things.  They push you out of your comfort zone. They force you away from your patterns of negative coping and everything in your brain is going to fight you.  DO IT EVEN IF YOU DON’T FEEL LIKE IT. No excuses my friends.

Following, I provide my own lists.  I hope this will help your own thought process as you create your lists.   I have divided the lists into contemplative/peaceful activities, other-focus activities, and creative activities.  Though not included as an example, a physical activities list would also be beneficial.

• Contemplative & Peaceful Activities

Sometimes a stressor requires you to relieve anxiety and help infuse your being with peace.  Make a list of things that give you a sense of inner peace, comfort or love.

Contemplative & Peaceful Activity List

Alias In Town’s List	Your List
Being in nature
Reading Scripture
Music
Prayer
Meditation
Calling a family member or friend
Taking a bubble bath
Coloring
Going to a bookstore
Drinking a Chai tea in a real china cup

• Become Other Focused

Sometimes we increase stressors because our minds continually swirl around our own circumstances.  You may find yourself thinking constantly about yourself. This doesn’t mean you are selfish. It is just one of the realities of this existence.  Other-focused activities can take your mind off yourself. They will help the stress melt away.

Other-Focused Activity List

Alias In Town’s List	Your List
Pray for needs of others
Write notes, emails or messages of encouragement
Do a simple good deed or act of kindness
Give sacrificially to a charity
Play with my grandchildren
Call someone to say you were thinking of them
If you are able, do an errand for someone

• Creativity

Please don’t see the word “creativity” and say “I’m not creative” and skip this section.  Everyone is creative. It’s a human quality we all share. Sometimes it’s expressed in art and design, but most of the time it is expressed through projects and problem solving.  Besides, even if you do want to express yourself artistically it can be for your own eyes and fun.  I believe everyone is an artist.

Creative Activities List

Alias In Town’s List	Your List
Coloring, painting, drawing
Sewing, crafting
Organizing something
Write your family history
Research your family tree
Ask your friends how they met and write their love stories
Design website
Use online tools to make grand-kids story books
Fix that thing you’ve been putting off
Find someplace local on the internet and go on an adventure
Take your camera and: - Take pictures of something starting with every letter of the alphabet - Photograph anything that looks like a face - Get a snapshot of something from every color in the rainbow - Capture the phases of the moon for a month - Create some before and after photos
Start an art journal or art journal Bible

I sincerely hope the above information and activities are helpful to you in someway.   It is time to be WELL.

The Puzzle Of Faith

Sometimes, it feels as though faith is a puzzle that must be assembled correctly.  There are two especially puzzling things about faith personal to me.  The first is frustration.  I get frustrated that I don’t understand faith.  Oh, how frustrated I get that my puzzle pieces are not assembled correctly, and I don’t have a clear picture of what faith looks like.  This leads directly to the second puzzling thing - guilt.  Sometimes, I either feel guilty I don’t have enough puzzle pieces or just when I think I have it figured out, I am missing the last piece of the puzzle.  

The good news is I have found an example in scripture that shows my thinking is completely backwards.  Faith isn’t a puzzle after all and I’m not missing pieces either. The good news is the simple story about the Angel of the LORD telling Abraham he would have a son within a year, and Sarah overhearing the conversation.  It is a story of laughter, which of course is the meaning of the name Abraham and Sarah give to their son, Isaac, when this promise was fulfilled.  Isaac means laughter.

Laughing Off Faith

Abraham was 98 years old when he was told he would have a son.  This was the second time Abraham heard this prophecy. The first time he doubled-over in laughter.  Sarah was 88 when she overheard the prophetic announcement and she laughed too.

I believe there is a difference between Abraham’s laughter and Sarah’s laughter.  When Sarah laughed she was questioned about it. She was questioned by God about it.  

God asked, “Why did laugh?”

Sarah lied and said, “I didn’t laugh.”

Abraham laughed too, but God never questioned him about his laughter.  I’m making the following observation that is completely my own opinion.  Abraham was laughing out of joy.  He had faith that God would bring about his promise.  God had been faithful to Abraham along every step of his journey from his homeland.  Abraham believed God would continue to be faithful. Sarah, on the other hand, laughed in disbelief.  “Ha!” she said, “I’m having a baby at my age.  Ha, ha! Yeah, right God! You’re going to give me a son, ha, ha, ha!”

Does Our Disbelief Stop God?

If my observation of Abraham is right it showed that he had faith.  It also shows that Sarah did not have faith. Did Sarah’s lack of faith stop God from delivering on his promise?  No! It did not!

David Feddes, a professor at Christian Leaders Institute, says, “Faulty faith doesn’t stop God’s irresistible grace or prevent his promises from coming true. Sarah may have laughed in disbelief, but did that stop God? No, says the Bible. ‘The LORD was gracious to Sarah as he had said and the LORD did for Sarah as he had promised.’  That is what happened. God was faithful in his promise to Sarah even though she obviously had a lack of faith.”

This story made me think of my own frustration and guilt over what I thought was a puzzle of faith.  I asked myself, “Does this stop God from fulfilling promises to me?” It does not stop God! Not only does he fulfill his promises to me, he sends mighty blessings my way, and he is working out his plan for my life regardless of my conundrum over the enigma of faith.   As I watch God’s faithfulness and grace, my faith becomes more established and it grows deeper.

Grace Creates Faith

“Don’t think God’s promise is based on our faith.  It’s the other way around. Our faith is based on God’s promise.  Some people have the idea that God looks ahead to see who will have faith and gives grace and life to those who he foresees will have the proper degree of faith.  But that is backward. It is grace that creates faith, not faith that creates grace. “ - David Feddes

Doesn’t that make you feel happy!  Grace creates the faith.  God’s grace in fulfilling promises to us. God’s grace in blessing us.  God’s grace in sending his son to die for us creates faith. As we continue to be faithful and as we continue to walk along with him, our faith takes root.  It becomes established. It grows.

Yes, Sarah laughed in disbelief but God’s faithfulness in fulfilling his promise to her caused her faith to take root.  In fact it took root so deeply that she is mentioned in the Faith Hall of Fame in Hebrews 11.

Is faith really a puzzle?  

No, it is not.  Just look at God’s faithfulness in  your life. Look at the grace he has given.  Over time, your faith will deepen and grow as well.  This makes me laugh. It makes me laugh with joy. Perhaps, one day I can get over my frustration and guilt.  Perhaps I can just smile and say, “God’s grace is building faith in my life.”

Vestibular Migraine And My Four Non-medicinal Treatments

Vestibular migraine or migrainous vertigo is a type of migraine which may or may not cause a headache.  It causes a number of debilitating symptoms including vertigo, nausea, pressure in the head and ears, balance disorders which include fall risk, ocular aura and other symptoms.  When an episode happens I am completely incapacitated. 

Medications are given as a prophylactic (preventative measure), but once an episode begins medications cannot relieve all the symptoms.  Anti-nausea medications help with the vomiting, if taken in time. Other symptoms must run their course throughout the episode.  As a result, I have found four ways to help with symptoms to get me through an episode.

The Stare.  Along with vertigo comes nystagmus which is involuntary eye movement.  Your tendency when experiencing vertigo is to close your eyes and ride it out, but this actually prolongs the episode.  The best thing to do is keep your eyes open and stare at a fixed object.  This reduces the nystagmus and shortens the vertigo episode.

Other Focused Prayer.  It is very natural and easy to feel sorry for yourself and even angry during an episode. This just increases your stress level prolonging your suffering.  I have found that if I pray for others, it takes my mind off myself and focuses it on the need of others.  My prayer list includes people with much greater issues than my own, as well as people who are dealing with everyday life stressors.  I am not alone in suffering.

Create A Mantra.  A mantra is something that you tell yourself repeatedly and it includes a truism.  I have two different mantras that I repeat.  One is a simple statement, "This too shall pass."  The second mantra is a song written by Ze Frank. It is a song that goes "Hey!  You're OK.  You'll be fine.  Just breathe."    The story of how the song was written is a fascinating story you can read about here (http://www.zefrank.com/chillout/)

Social Network.  A social network is a vital tool.  Network sounds like a large group, but in reality it can be just a handful of friends or family members.  I am ill and I need help.  My network are people with whom I have the freedom to be my authentic self.  With them, I can take off the mask of wellness and reveal how I am truly feeling.  They are there for me at all hours and are just a phone call away when I am feeling in crisis.

Coping with symptoms without medications is essential.  Medications are not magic potions and simply cannot help with all symptoms related to migrainous vertigo.  These four things have become a sustainable, indispensable requirement for my well being.

My book Well contains other methods for coping with chronic illnesses of all types.  It is available on Amazon here. 

Addiction And Suicide Self-Help...NOT!

I belong to a news organization where reporters seek out sources for articles and books they are writing.  If I feel I can be a source of help, I respond to the reporter.  I've had a few snippets with a byline in some articles.

Yesterday, I ran across a request that is so dangerous it has me praying with righteous indignation.  There is an anonymous author searching for sources with addiction and/or suicide stories.  That caught my attention because I have both of these stories.  As I read the description of what this author was looking for I had chills run up my spine.

The author is looking for stories and any sources of online help or organizations that you found useful in recovery.  Not too bad so far.  Then I read that the author is putting together a self-help book for addicts and suicidal people.  Chills, right!

I'm not against self-help.  There are many areas in your life where you can help yourself.  You can set some goals, create new habits, learn a new skill, and so on.  However, I'm sure there is no reputable counselor, therapist or minister would suggest self-help for addiction or suicide.

Addiction is stealthy and subtle.  The addict has a brain that has been addled with chemicals that force unhealthy behaviors.  This is out the control of the addict.  Their minds are not thinking clearly and the truly addicted will risk anything to get their next fix.  Yes, anything.  Their relationships.  Their health.  Their freedom.  Taking a brain that is wired for addiction and applying self help techniques will simply drive the addict further into their addiction.

Suicidal people are also not thinking clearly.  They are not themselves.  The natural will to live that normally keeps us safe from danger and preserves life is not functioning in the suicidal mind.  There is no safety net left in the brain.  A suicidal person will almost always reach out to someone for help, but not always.  They certainly can't look to themselves for help.

This book will be dangerous.  I am praying for protection for future readers of this author's work.

Why I Made An Ebenezer

First of all, what is an Ebenezer?  I’m not talking about the main character in Dickens, A Christmas Tale.  It actually comes from the Bible. The Israelites were under attack by the Philistines.  They were outnumbered and terrified. They asked the prophet Samuel to call out to God for help.  In response, Samuel prayed and offered a sacrifice and the Philistines were defeated. Then Samuel did this:

I Samuel 7:12 Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer saying, “Thus far the Lord has helped us.”

The definition of the word Ebenezer means stone of help.  Samuel created a monument as a reminder of God’s help in a seemingly impossible situation.  

There are many places in the Old Testament where stones are used as monuments to God’s help.  It’s probably not an exhaustive list but I found at least 15 verses where this took place.

I have been doing a summer Bible study with a group of women friends based on the book, The Me Project by Kathi Lipp.  It is a wonderful book to help you learn to focus on getting to know yourself, love yourself, understanding more of God, and creating a deeper relationship with God.

In one chapter she mentions the importance of remembering the successes that God has helped you achieve.  She mentioned an Ebenezer and other ideas as tangible memorials that can be looked at to take us back to that place of remembrance and be grateful.

As part of my “Me Project”, I decided to complete the marketing plan for my book Well, and do it incorporating the process used in Lipp’s book.

I am so happy to say that with God’ help I completed my project in a way that honors him.  I learned a lot about myself and God while I was doing it and my relationship with God is stronger as a result of this study.

To remember this summer study, I decided to build an Ebenezer.  It seemed fitting to create a well replica out of my stones of help.  It’s sitting on my desk and every time I glance at it, I feel a little extra joy in my heart.  

Fallacies Christians Are Told About Chronic Illness

There are many things you must deal with if you have a chronic illness.  Some of the common struggles are depression, insomnia, struggles with identity, and being incapable.  If you are a Christian, like Job you will have well-meaning friends trying to give you spiritual advice about your illness.  They mean well, but like Job we must weigh what is said against scripture and the truth of our personal relationship with God.

video blog

Let's Play Never Have I Ever

I will list 20 things I have never done.  If you have done one or more of them leave a comment referencing the number from my list.  Feel free to add any explanation in your comment you feel is required.  Also, leave me your own "Never Have I Ever" statement and see if I have done it.

Here we go!  Never Have I Ever...

1. been scared of clowns.
2. successfully made a duck face while taking a selfie.
3. wanted to be a Kardashian.
4. flown in a helicopter.
5. thought about what type of dog I would be.
6. read a single Harry Potter book.
7. licked a frozen pole.
8. dropped Mentos into a diet Coke.
9. attempted martial art moves while by myself.
10. imagined my life as a sitcom and who would play me.
11. thought a fart smelled good.
12. tried anchovies.
13. tried counting the number of licks it takes to get to the center of a lollipop.
14. used a fake ID.
15. crashed a wedding.
16. driven drunk.
17. romantically kissed anyone but my husband.
18. pushed all the floor buttons in an elevator.
19. started a diet on any day but Monday.
20. ridden a stand up roller coaster.

What Wikipedia Can't Tell You About Chronic Illness

Wikipedia gives a great scientific definition for chronic illness.  It even lists some common chronic illnesses for reference points.  However, it is missing some facts that sufferers of chronic illness have in common.

A person with chronic illness will:

• Experience grief

If your chronic illness has changed the way you live your daily life, caused you to lose a career or drastically change your life,  you will grieve over these losses.  There are five stages of grief,  and you will experience them all: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. In fact, you will repeat stages as you move through them. I especially repeated anger during my grieving process.

Give yourself patience until you reach the acceptance stage. There is no timeline. I lost my career and my whole life turned upside down in 2008. This is a journal entry from 3 years later.

September 3, 2011

Such a strange word for me to describe a future.  Seriously, NO ONE has died and yet I am dramatic enough to use the word “GRIEF” as a descriptor!  What am I Grieving?

• LOSS of a career
• Inability to provide for my family
• Incapable to volunteer ministry time
• A lonely, unconnected life
• Loss of ability to physically live life I emotionally and spiritually conceive as my passion and purpose

 I am so lost right now. Really, really lost!

• Wrestle with identity issues

Journal Entry - October 2, 2012

I used to have a career as a Sr. Database Analyst. I used to be an elder in a church. I used to be the life of the party and enjoy hanging out with friends. I used to volunteer time with charities. I used to be constantly on the go, enjoying a very busy, yet fulfilling life

Now I am no longer those things. I am no longer her.  I haven’t been her for a long time. That is NOT my identity now.  I hear from people or feel the expectation of others they want that person back. Well that person is gone. Truth is, I miss her too.

But she was just a construct.  I am me and I am right here. A new way of living will be built, but it will be a temporary construct as well.  That is how life should always be.

Even the dictionary definition of identity is confusing!  It is not a mystery that an understanding of identity will morph and confuse you.  If you allow yourself to become stuck in an old identity, it causes great pain and blinds you to your future. It also creates a sense of hopelessness. This is why it is so important for your identity to be defined more from your soul than your body and your capabilities.  I root my identity within my faith. This means regardless of what happens to my body, my identity remains the same.

• Likely have insomnia

According to a survey done by Psychology Today, (citing Article September 26, 2013) 30% of respondents said they never got a good night's sleep and 53% said they had a sleep problem.  

I have networked with many others who suffer from chronic illness and their sleep patterns coincide with the above referenced survey.  Many people describe having their days and nights switched. Meaning they stay up all hours of the night and sleep, as best they can, during the day.  I am one of those people.  I call it vampire hours.  My husband's caregiver support group also state their loved ones have this issue.

• Not like to asking for help

It is an act of self care to ask for help.  You need help. That is a reality. For some unknown reason, our society makes you feel that asking for help is an example of weakness. There are some ordinary negative thoughts in regards to asking for help that likely hinder you.

1. I should not need help.  

2. I did not used to need help with this.  

3. I will be a burden if I ask for help.  

4. People will tire of me asking for help.  

5. I will lose my independence if I ask for help.  

These are all insidious thoughts not based in reality. You will find that your caregivers are there for you and it is OK to ask for their help. Love yourself enough to ask.

• Become frustrated

Frustration is a constant companion.  This is a fact of your illness.  You are going to be fed-up sometimes. You are going to be sick of being sick.  You are going to have bad days.  There will be days that your frustration is at maximum, and you are just angry and/or sad. Frustration will become a regular part of your life, and this is normal.  After all, you have something to be frustrated over. You have something to feel sad about.

• Have limited capability

A chronic illness, by definition, will limit your capacity to live life as you once did. I am profoundly struck with how much the simple routines of everyday impact me.

There are only so many units of energy that you have to function during your day. Things that most people don't think of take away units of energy from you. For example, getting a shower and getting dressed for the day use up units of energy. When those units are gone you are done for the day.

However, you are a whole person in spite of your illness.  You are not inadequate, but you are incapable of doing many of the things you used to do.  It is important to make this distinction between inadequacy and incapability. Feelings of inadequacy are ambivalent and lead to shame and remorse.  Acceptance of incapability are just the facts of life. For example, you cannot always attend appointments because you are unsure of what will be a good day for you.  This means that the people in your life, from friends to doctors, need this understanding. You are not inadequate or unreliable in being dependable for scheduled appointments.  You are incapable of the certainty of attendance to a scheduled appointment or event.

Wikipedia is a great source for clinical definitions but it certainly will not tell you about the above commonalities people with chronic illness deal with on a consistent basis.  Unfortunately, this is only a partial list. Hang in their friend!  Chronic illness does not need to define you. It simply affects the way you live your life.  It doesn't take value away from your life.